The Attraction of Deprivation. I think I just won at the lottery.

So, my goals and wishes. 

I tipped a bit into the subject. And sweet baby god, things are worse that I've first thought. Uh huh. This will be a long battle. I really hope I will win. 

Why do I always fall for wrong people? And I mean, always.

You know, the pretty one, who's aura screams hot sex, the social butterfly, the charismatic one, the one everyone likes, the talkative one, the confident one, but at the same time a little damaged...  And the one with whom things never work out?

I've found my answer.

Attraction of deprivation. 

When I first read it, I was like O_O. Hell, this rings a bell.

Harville Hendrix' model of the Imago explains that they draw us in part because they embody the worst emotional characteristics of our primary caregivers. Even though we may be adults, we often have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, manipulation, abuse and neglect from our caregivers. Unconsciously, we seek healing of these wounds in our intimate relationships. But that means we're most attracted to people who can wound us in just the way we were wounded in our childhood! Our psyche seeks to recreate the scene of the original crime, and then save us by changing its ending. The child in us believes that if the original perpetrators -- or their current replacements -- finally change their minds, apologize, or make up for that terrible rupture of trust, we can escape from our prison of unworthiness. Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which hurt us the most as children. - Psychology Today

What the fucking hell?!

The article has also this incredible 3 steps how to figure it out.. And by God.. I cannot really say the results surprised me, but I wish they did. 

Now, I am an individual with a high score on extraversion and neuroticism. And I am ok with it, most of the time. I am impulsive as well. Which is just the cherry on the top of the cake. I need strong emotions and in a way I need drama too, to feel alive. Which shouldn't surprise me why I pick only ever individuals whom I think will bring these things in the package. But I never thought the background for it was this. Holy fuck. This pattern will be challenging to break. I might take me years and therapy as well to solve it. I am so screwed. 

Then Ken Page talks about something else too. About The Wave. Oh, the famous Wave. The moment the guy shows interest, we tend to loose it. The Wave occurs when we unconsciously push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth. When someone is available and decent, something inside us knows they can get to our nest, our soul; the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked. It does whatever it can do to get us away. Like the protective bird, it creates a ruse; anything at all to keep the nest safe. And the Wave can completely throw us off course.. did it ever! - Ken Page official page

Well, that explains a lot as well. 

Childhood, childhood, childhood. It brings me to a question.. do we ever really have choices? I can rationally say that I want one thing, but do I really want it because its best for me or do I want it because I am drawn by the impulses of my unconsciousness?

My friend from back home on my visit told me "Everything that is in an individual's unconsciousness must come true in this life, period." Scary statement, huh?

Jesus, were relationships so hard to establish 50-100 years ago as well? When the knowledge of all these unconscious impulses and unhealthy repetitive patterns was more restricted than it is today?

Why don't I ever pick easy resolutions? 

Until next time,